I AM HERE TO KILL YOU Read online

  "I've experienced that. With you-"

  "But I've had my holiday. I intend to quicken the pace now..."

  "Have you decided who you'll bring along for the ride?"

  I smile. His face remains a trained blank canvas, but I know him too well. This is what he's really interested in. Everything so far has merely been pleasant foreplay. He respects me enough to at least go through the formalities.

  "Now that is a decision," I say. "I've been watching and listening, just like you said. At first, I was like a dirty voyeur peeping through a hole in the bathroom wall. But now I've revealed myself. The tongues are wagging. I'm pretty sure I know who I'm choosing. I just need to decide which side they'll be on, what role they'll play."

  "Perfect. So tell me about Rose..."

  I smirk. "God, she's old and weak and pathetic-"

  "The worst thing you can do is to underestimate somebody, Sheena."

  "Do you think she is a threat?"

  He looks away. "Everybody is a threat, Sheena. And the most dangerous people are those who don't have anything to lose."

  Smiling, I glance at my wrist. "Don't worry. I'm pulling the strings. I've planted some thoughts in her mind. I've kept my eye on her. I caught her lingering around the train station this morning-"

  "Where do you think she is going?"

  He leans forward. I sense eyes on us.

  "I know she's dangerous, Daniel." I say. "She is angry and bitter and sad. I just need to use that to my advantage, don't you think? I suspect she was catching a train back to Bridgend, to her old home-"

  "To see her husband?"

  I nod. "Her anger is immense, Daniel. It wouldn't surprise me if she fucking kills that poor man."

  His mouth opens, just an inch. I flinch. What is that look? Awe?

  "Nothing less than he deserves," he says. "People need to take responsibility for that poor girl's death. Regardless of who plunged the knife in her body, there is never only one killer."

  His eyes trace the outline of my smile.

  "What about Katherine?"

  "Now, she is interesting..."

  "Yes. She is."

  "I'm already cracking that shell she's created. She doesn't quite realise it fully yet, but she's agreed to lead the group. So much more efficient to spread the message from the front, to an audience of willing listeners, yes?"

  "Like Hitler..."

  I smile. "Exactly. She just doesn't realise that the message she'll be delivering is mine."

  "You're learning."

  "From the best," I say.

  "And do you think the women in the group - the minions - will take in the message without questioning it? Do you think they'll help to spread the message?"

  I sit back. I want to show him I've got it all under control, that this is all a breeze for me. Maybe I'm trying too hard? He can sniff out my insecurities. "They're vulnerable. They're open to any suggestion. Let's just say I've planted the seeds. Now I just need to watch them grow..."

  He stretches out his arms and clicks his knuckles. "Fantastic," he says. "Always remember that you are the Queen in this game. You need to decide who will be your pawns...."

  I hold his eye contact, then I roll my tongue around my lips, letting him know I'm thinking about my face nuzzling his lap. I've never known a man control his erection quite like him.

  "Shall I see you again?" he asks.

  I stand up, smiling. "You try stopping me, Daniel, " I say.

  Saturday 27th October 2018

  Katherine

  The chatter begins to die down and the heads begin to rotate. They're bored of the warm-up and they want the main event of the evening (Saturday morning) to kick off. Pinched faces glance at their phones. The guests are here but the bride has yet to turn up for her wedding. I've run out of excuses. Whilst I'm stood at the front of the room, in the space normally occupied by Rose's chair, I'm not talking. They're beginning to wonder what exactly I am doing.

  "Good morning, ladies."

  "Morning."

  "I've received a text message from Rose. Unfortunately she won't be able to make it. She is still not feeling great. We will have to make do without her today..."

  Faces turn. Heads twist. Nobody says anything. I'm about to ask how everybody's week was, if anybody would like to share; I'm distracted, however, by the scraping of a chair at the back of the room. Sheena's heels click on the wooden floor. Her long fingers twist and unravel. Another actor has taken to the stage, taking the spotlight away from me. I seize the opportunity to grab a spare seat on the front row.

  "I hope you don't mind me standing up and talking, ladies? I've only attended a few meetings and usually I'm hidden at the back of the room. Pretty invisible. Believe me, that's where I'd rather be..."

  Apinya's laugh dwarfs the muffled chuckles.

  "My name is Sheena..."

  "Hi, Sheena."

  Sheena's darting eyes remind me of a gerbil daring to look out of the cage.

  "I'm new to Pontbach, and to the group. You've all made me very welcome. Even though I've only been an observer, the group has already become a big part of my life. I look forward to coming here; it gives me a purpose..."

  Some of the women look down, stare at their hands, smooth and soft from all that Fairy liquid. Maybe the thought has dawned on them that the meeting is the highlight of their week, too?

  "I'm just picking up on what Kat said. I've actually bumped into Rose a few times in town. We've chatted. I think she finds it easier to talk to me because I'm not so close, I'm not so involved in the group..."

  "Makes sense," one of the women on the front row says.

  "I'm not sure if it is my place to say this, but Rose does seem tired. I recognise it because I've been there before. I'm sure we all have. I think she'll really benefit from the break. It will do her good. If you think about it, she has been running this group for twelve years, hasn't she? That is a long time. That is bound to take its toll. Can I be frank...?"

  "Please do..."

  "I also got the impression she was kind of worried..."

  "Worried? What about?"

  "That the group will fall apart in her absence..."

  The women shuffle in their seats. I can almost sense them pushing their chests out. I know what they're thinking, because I'm thinking the same. We really are important, aren't we?

  "We won't let it fall apart," one of them says.

  "I believe you," Sheena says. "I just think we need to make it more apparent to Rose. Give her some reassurance. The human mind isn't always rational, is it? Imagine going on holiday and leaving your house to a neighbour to look after. The house normally looks after itself anyway, doesn't it? But suddenly you're terrified it will be burgled, it will flood, it will burn down..."

  Knowing laughter fills the four corners of the room.

  "And Rose sees this group just like that - as her home. I think we owe it to her to reassure her things are fine."

  "What are we going to do about it then?"

  "I think she'd like to know someone has taken the reins in her absence, that somebody is leading the group, taking it forward..."

  My bowed head watches my knees knocking against each other. I'm a fish on dry land.

  "Kat and Apinya have kindly offered to do this..."

  I glance up, taking in the clapping hands. Oh my word, that feels faintly familiar. Attention. I'd forgotten how wonderful it can feel, how frighteningly intoxicating.

  "And because I know this is a tough gig, I've agreed to help them out, if that's okay?"

  The women nod their heads. If they had tails, they'd be wagging.

  "Kat, would you care to say a few words?"

  I'm treading in water as I move back to centre stage. "Oh, hi again," I say.

  Laughter is replaced by silence.

  "I wanted to share. I don't often do this, but somehow it feels fitting. I think it is time to be brave, to go out of my comfort zone. I've already spoken to Sheena about the incident, and she hopes it
will inspire some other ladies..."

  The nods and the smiles are distracting, but they are encouraging.

  "The other day I was in my car when a man in a white van pulled up beside me. He wound down his window and he spat all over me..."

  I'm struck by the gasps from the front row. A lady puts her hand to her mouth.

  "That's terrible. Disgusting. Why do men think they can get away with this? Just because they're supposed to be the stronger sex? They think they can bully and intimidate us?"

  I wave away the concerned, aghast comments.

  "The thing is," I say, "I took his telephone number from his van, and I called him."

  "What? Weren't you scared?"

  "Terrified. But that's the point. You know that book? Well, I felt the fear and I did it anyway. And you know what else I did...?"

  "Go on, go on..."

  "I threatened to tell his wife what he did unless he apologised...."

  "And did he?"

  "Yes. He begged for forgiveness."

  The second round of applause is louder than the first. This one feels authentic.

  "And you know where I got the bravery from? I knew I'd have the backing of all you ladies if it did backfire, if it did go wrong. It felt like I wore a protective shield. I knew that - combined - we are so much stronger than any one man..."

  "You better believe it, girl!"

  Sheena wraps her sinewy, lightly muscled arms around me. Pulling away, her eyes are red.

  "This is what men are capable of, ladies," she says. "And no, we don't let them bully and intimidate us. We need to be strong together. Do you know what will make our bond stronger?"

  The open mouths can't quite produce any words. A few go to say something, but then pull the words back.

  "Trust."

  The heads swivel to a glowing Apinya.

  "Exactly," a beaming Sheena says.

  "But we do trust each other," a voice pipes up.

  Sheena waves her hand. "I know. I know. But you know what would reassure us that little bit more?"

  Sheena turns to me now. We'd discussed this earlier, before the group collated.

  "Whatever we say in this room stays in this room, do you hear? We don't share it with our husbands or boyfriends or anybody else," I say.

  Sheena gives me a high-five. "That way you can be sure whatever you say is confidential. How amazing would that be?"

  Uncertain heads begin to nod.

  "We should do this for Rose," Sheena says.

  The approval is more vocal and assured this time.

  "Right," Sheena says, "would anyone else like to share?"

  For the first time in twelve years, I'm taken aback by the show of hands.

  Sheena

  Walking into the pub from the bright Saturday afternoon outside, it is almost as if I've put my shades on. The low ceilings and thick brick walls make the pub feel like a cave or an igloo. Wooden bookshelves pack the walls from floor to ceiling. Passing the occasional solitary punter staring into space or completing the crossword, I head to the back of the pub. With a half-emptied pint in his hand, his cheeks plump with smugness, he looks up at me like an inquisitive ferret.

  "You sure made me work for my money," he says. "I wasn't expecting any of that shit!"

  "Were you not able to cope?" I ask.

  My teasing smile makes him look away. I sling the sealed brown envelope across the wooden table. There is no name on the front. There is no address. I pull out a chair and sit down.

  "Go get me a drink," I say.

  "What's the magic word?"

  "Now."

  "I was thinking more of one beginning with a 'p'."

  "I'm sorry," I say, wiping my mouth with the back of my arm. "Go get me a drink now. Prick."

  He rolls his shoulders. He knows I'm not going to give way here, and neither of us have the time or the inclination to argue. Besides, men always want an easy life; that's why they always say you look good in that dress. Apart from Daniel, of course. Daniel likes to complicate things just to make life more exciting, more unpredictable. He thrives on confrontation.

  My drinking buddy scurries off to the bar without asking what I want. Returning, he slides the glass across the table. Daniel likes to do that. Only, with him it isn't always a glass he likes to slide. I pull the glass to my nose. Vodka. Straight. Fair play. He made a good choice.

  "So you pulled it off then? Well done."

  He unravels his shoulders, buoyed by this apparent compliment. "Took the bait, hook, line and sinker..."

  "You were the perfect man for the job. Daniel said you were."

  He twitches at the mention of the name, like I spoke of Voldermort or something. The only people who want to be associated with Daniel do so for bravado, like a Kray twin. This man needs to be discreet, to remain oblivious. In my experience, the men who lead double-lives are the most dangerous types.

  "Hey, I have my uses."

  "So I take it you followed her from the house?"

  He stretches out his body now, savouring the moment. "Hey, I was just playing the role. You know that I'm a charmer, really. Thought she'd never leave the house. Was sat there for hours eating the cheese and pickle sandwiches my wife made for me. Luckily, it was raining something rotten, so she probably couldn't see much through her rear window. She definitely couldn't see me leave her house. And then - typical woman driver - she stalled the car, and I took my moment like a professional..."

  Part of me can't help but be impressed. I dig into my purse and slide a note across the table. "Call it a tip. You sure did a grand job of convincing my darling Kat that men are the scum of the earth. And she's told everybody..."

  His face drops as I slide the chair away from the table. Every man wants to spend their daytime with a pretty lady. "Can't stay," I say. "I'm off out with the girls tonight."

  "Any more jobs for me?" he asks.

  "I'll call you," I say.

  Katherine

  Sheena has popped to the shop to get, she says, some chewing gum. I press my body against the wall whilst Apinya walks around in circles, staring at her feet, humming a song. Sheena must have bought a shit load of chewing gum, because when she comes out of the shop, face alight with mischief, a plastic bag dangles from her wrist. Glancing down at the bag, I break into hysterics. Sheena ignores me and links my arm with hers. We skip along the pavement. I glance over my shoulder. Apinya is following us, like she's a dog on a lead.

  Fuck knows where we're heading, and fucks knows if I care. I'm not sure whether Sheena is leading us, or if I'm leading Sheena. We could be heading through a black hole, for all I know. Apinya, bless her, would watch us drop into oblivion and then dutifully do exactly the same. At least I'd die happy.

  "Hold on, you're walking too fucking fast..."

  Turning around, Apinya reminds me of an elf or a dwarf, or whatever you call it. She looks so cute and tiny running after us barefoot, with her shoes in her hands, her cheeks pumped with air. Sheena bends forward at the knee, pushing her tiny arse out, like she's riding a horse at the Grand National. I'm sure her skirt has ridden up so any lucky guy behind us probably has a view of her pants. Oh my God, does Sheena even wear pants? She seems the type who wouldn't, the dirty, wonderful girl. She slaps her bare thigh with her hand.

  "Come on girl, you can do it!"

  Apinya's smile broadens as she edges closer to us, as she realises she's catching up. The smile turns upside down. Her eyes dangle on stalks. She knows where she's heading. She has stumbled on the crooked pavement. I put my hand to my mouth, gasping.

  Apinya lies flat on her front on the pavement.

  Crouching over her, I shake her body with my hand. "Apinya! Apinya! Are you alright?"

  The whole world is rotating, going round and round me, but Apinya remains still. Completely motionless. Oh my fucking God, maybe she banged her head? I look up at Sheena's creaseless face. I decide to shake Apinya's body harder and faster, to shock her back to life.

  Apinya lifts
her head. She's alive. That's something. Her long, dark, luscious, gorgeous fucking hair covers her face. I sweep it to one side. Her face looks fairly normal, from what I can remember.

  "What the fuck happened?" she asks.

  Her laughter erupts. She bangs her fist down on the pavement. Holding out my hand to help her up, Sheena doubles over with hysterics, too.

  And then the three of us are arm in arm, with me in the middle, skipping along, heading God-knows-where. I'm too absorbed in the talk and I'm too high on life to notice where we're heading until it's too late to do anything about it, to try to change the direction.

  "Why are we here?" I ask.

  Sheena shrugs her shoulders. "Why not? Not like I know many places. Thought it would be nice to sit down by the river. And I got us a few treats..."

  Sheena's teeth glisten in the darkness as she dips her hand inside the plastic bag and pulls out a pack of beers. Apinya dumps herself down on the grass so that, momentarily, both her legs rise up in the air. She holds out her hand and grabs at a beer. Sheena doesn't know my history, but surely Apinya does. Does she say nothing because she doesn't care, or because she's too drunk to notice?

  "You're a star," Apinya says.

  I take a beer, too, and plonk myself on the grass next to Apinya. I'm aware that I should be uneasy, but that's all it is - an awareness.

  "God, it was like the men in the town have never seen a woman before. Did you see the way their jaws dropped every time we entered the room?" Sheena says.

  I did see that, but then I dismissed it as an illusion, as the shots going to my head, giving me ideas of grandeur. But their eyes definitely lingered; they definitely outstayed their welcome. But then that was the problem. I did welcome the hungry looks. It excited me. It made me feel alive, like I'd awoken from the dead.

  "The men in this town are just peasants," Apinya says.